Loving two...

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life."Unknown Author"

Baby Kohen

He's a Kohen. We weren't able to enjoy the news for very long because my MF told me that my blood test came back abnormal and higher than a woman my age should for down syndrome (1/572). He told me that he is pretty sure that is because of the other twins sac still being there and also the twin loss. He also saw a bright spot in the babies heart which is normally a marker for down's but not in woman my age. He did some blood test and asked that I come back in three weeks. Seems like I have been through this before and I swear I don't like it. Please keep my baby in your prayers. A few for me would be nice too.

15 Weeks!

Here I am at 15 weeks. I had just drank a lot of water and fresh squeezed OJ (so YUM!) so I am finally looking pregnant. I have my MF appt on Thursday and I can't wait. I am so sure I am going to cave and end up asking to know what the baby is. Kevin is dying to know and now I am feeling its a girl so I want to check. I actually haven't bought a thing for this bean so I would like to shop too.

AJ is not in my belly pic this week but hopefully next week. I have to say everyday this kid amazes me. She is so witty and smart. I think it hit her yesterday that I was going to be going to work everyday and she wasn't going to stay home. She was so sad when I left and she kept asking to go with me :(. Thankfully when I get home she is all smiles and ready to play. Her vocabulary is just unimaginable to me. She had perfect sentences and uses phrase at the right time. Today I asked her to take one more bite of her pb wrap and she told me, "Um. Wait a minute let me think about it!" ROFL! It is kind of sad to see her growing up so fast. Till next Thursday :)

My classroom

I go in everyday and work on my classroom and I swear everyday it looks worse. Well not worse but done. I am hoping to be done tomorrow. My first day was good. I was so busy I hardly had time to cry about missing AJ. Today I had more meetings that I think were useless since I don't give my class the test that we learned about. I wish I had more time in the classroom. Send me energy vibes so that I can finish and clean everything up. The mice in the closet slowed me down last week. AJ is doing well. She is now getting up when I leave for work or Kevin is in shower and I am waiting my turn. She is so happy when I get home it feels great. Of course getting up at 6 isn't fun. Here is a pic of her yesterday when I got home and some of my classroom from last Friday. I hope I can send completed pics tomorrow.

Back of room. We painted the blackboards and am covering with cork to make a real bulletin board.


Front of room. Alphabet on red strip and colors will be on yellow.

Student computer, writing center, student mailcenter

12 weeks!!!

Yeah 12 weeks!! So really I am posting this like half a week late but woohoo. I will be 14 weeks and second trimester before you know it. I am feeling great. Well except for the headaches but I think it has a lot more to do with the weather than the baby. Soon I can start shopping! I went to the OB this past Monday and we found the heartbeat with the doppler. It is always scary at first when they can't seem to get it right away. We talked about me possibly delivering at Montgomery General hospital instead of Shady Grove. Kevin is a little sketched out about it but if I can get better care then I am all for it. I am still not sure I want to try for a VBAC or schedule a c-section. AJ is doing really well. I have to prepare her for her fall schedule of Preschool, Little Gym and possibly dance class. Of course the big adjustment will be no more Mommy home everyday. :( So sad! I am not sure how I am going to adjust to leaving my baby girl everyday. I hope it is a smooth transition for both of us.

Um what else? I have started getting my classroom together which has really made the days go by faster and made me a lot more tired. I am officially back at work next week but I don't start teaching until September 4th. Ava and I are going to visit my friend Jenn this weekend in Chesapeake VA. Well I think that is all

Ava's First Fair

We took Ava to the MC Agricultural fair today and she had such a blast! This morning when I was telling her that Daddy was going to come home and take us to the fair to see the animals she said I love animals and I love the fair. It was so funny because she has obviously never been before. So we took her around 6 o'clock and first spent some time looking at all the animals. I think her favorite might have been the turkeys or goats. We got to see a calf that was only 3 hours old. Kev thought it was gross I took a pic but I love that stuff. She petted the goats and nothing else. We took her to the pony rides totally not expecting her to ride one because she is normally so cautious, but she surprised us and went for a ride. She kept saying Yahoo Yippi Ca Yey (sp?,gotta love those Backyardigans for teaching her how to be a cowgirl). She went on 4 rides and loved each. I only got on the Flying Elephants because everything else spun too much. It seems like her and Kevin had a great time on the tea cups. Here are my favorite pictures from today and you can see the rest at : http://picasaweb.google.com/Racey7/August2007/photo#5098371468010282562

Nuchal Fold Test

What a long day!!! I worked at the gym this am took my grandma to the dr. at 11:45 and just made it to my MF (maternal fetal medicine appt.) at 1 pm. When I got there I was dying to pee so I asked the receptionist if I could and she said go ahead to I took like half a full pee. We got there and were seen pretty quickly, they let Ava bring a toy in the exam room which was nice. Went into the room and the tech started looking for the baby and couldn't see much because my bladder was too empty, @@ I am such a fool I knew I should have held it. So after looking a baby for a good ten minutes she said she had to do it transvaginally. I sat with my legs splayed at least 20 minutes. I mean they were horizontal this woman tried every which weigh to get the neck shot but Baby was just not coroperating. I saw and heard the heartbeat at 168. We saw baby's hands, feet, belly everything but its neck. She left the thing hanging out of my who-ha for a few minutes and tried again. Kevin finally asked why my legs were shaking and she said she couldn't get the measurement and would try again to do it through my tummy. During this time Ava was amazing. She glanced up once and said OH Baby! Daddy my Baby!!! Kevin picked her up and she squealed with such excitement. She asked so many questions like is baby kicking mommy or tickling mommy. She said one baby Daddy, two babies () Kev explained there as only one now. Kevin was shocked she knew so much about the "baby tummy". The other twin's sac and everything is still there so that was still sad. Anyway they tried again and nothing. In comes the Dr. (not my beloved Dr. Kramer) and asks all the routine questions fiddles around for 5 minutes and says okay done, thin reading 1.1 your baby looks great. After 45 minutes of being poked and prodded we got a 1/13000 of Downs and 1/1100 trisomy 18. I can have a CSV or amnio if I want to (like I want a 10 ft needle in my stomach again) or just take my chances. I think I will just take my odds and be happy, unless they see something at my next appointment in 4 weeks. Oh he also told us that unless I want to know the sex they won't tell Kevin. I am sure I won't have the will power but maybe baby will be on my side. Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers. Here is Ava's 11 week belly (heehee)